Xeranika: Caged Instinct [DEMO]

Works this good require the most stringent critiques, that they may be nudged gently into Greatness.

 

The game’s aesthetic feels a bit like a contradiction: like it’s technocratic machismo pretending towards femininity. Some of the prose is all exposition without any apparent subtext, foreshadowing, or context. At other times, it feels too topical to the present day and age and devoid of Universal appeal or transcendence.

 

The music is charming but very compressed and annoying after a while; it also does not loop as seamlessly as one would like, especially in the Laboratory.

 

I wish that you would describe your characters more to supplement their absence from the visuals; we are old enough not to require a picture book, but the charm was always in the Visualization (via the Description).

 

Try not to refer to a character as a “stereotype”. Also: phrases like “recovery from her Mom” might contain more context than you had intended.

 

That being said, I found the Tama-san character very charming and relatable, and it added a thoroughly human voice to this otherwise depersonalized, bureaucratic lab(yrinth).

 

I also wouldn’t classify “atheism” as a religion, since it is an epistemological strain* which often contradicts a great many of the metaphysical propositions which the multitude of religions share in common. I would simply have put “none” or “unknown”.

 

Also: if you MUST start a sentence with “Although”, stop using the comma immediately thereafter. I’m sure all your readers will appreciate it. Thank you.

 

Additionally: what would distinguish a “normal” civilian from an abnormal one, and which of the two would Emil have encountered in the military? I am curious about the kind of World you are building here.

 

The bird character is well-done; I noticed the beaky nose. “Upper-class citizen” is clever. I also enjoyed the use of semicolons. They were refreshingly precise. Did you deliberately reserve better grammar for “higher-ranking” characters? SMART**. Why wouldn’t she trust him, though? I guess his kind is known for being flighty.

 

It’s not anyone’s “idea” for stereotypes to exist, but it ought to be someone’s idea to keep them in check.

 

*This applies to “nihilism” as well, though perhaps that’s more of an ontological trend than an episteme, am I right?

 

**I ought to add, though, that it’s odd that he is not DESCRIBED with the same precision. (e.g. “… composed enough as if this is any other meal” instead of “…as if this WERE any other meal.”)

 

My prime recommendation would be to hide the character profiles from the player, instead relying upon characterization to develop character. That might sound redundant, and I do not mean to point out the obvious, but I’m sure, by that same token, that you understand me.

 

You also employ a lot of contractions outside of dialogue. I thought you should know. If you hire a proofreader, readers may be far less tempted to skip blocks of text. It’s such an immersive visual and sonic microcosm that the prose really kills the vibe, temps-a-temps.

 

Also: does the panda play the Taiko drum? That is an awesome thought.

 

Try to hyphenate phrases like “appetizing-looking”. I wasn’t going to say anything but it’s habitual.

 

And does the jellyfish say “bom appetite” ironically, since she is supposed to be a “slob”? Haha. If so: CLEVER.

 

Oh, and does Portia ingest the actual, physical plate? Because otherwise I would have written “plate of caviar” or “plateful of caviar”. Naturally; I think even Microsoft Word, in spite of all its recent pitfalls***, would agree. And “usually do routinely” is redundant.

 

***How the bloody hell is “that being said” unconcise? How else would you know that the context for the sentence is the preceding sentence, as opposed to the multitude of other contexts available, both inside and outside of the text? Sorry; MS Word just drives me absolutely batty at times.

 

I’d still like to understand how an overactive immune system poses a lethal risk. I guess that will be explained in later installments? I know that the protagonists (if I may call them that) only had a few questions available. “There’s a lot of waiting and seeing in this game”. I played up until that line. You can imagine why.

Lin Ji.